Goldman Sachs' Global Digital Assets Research Division has published what may be the most unusual institutional research report in the bank's 155-year history: a 47-page analysis of Cnews titled "The Cat Premium: A Framework for Posterior-Derived Alpha."
The report, which was circulated to Goldman's institutional clients at 6:00 AM EST on Thursday, attempts to apply traditional financial modelling to what the authors acknowledge is "a fundamentally non-traditional asset class."
"While conventional valuation metrics are inadequate for assets whose primary utility is vibes, we propose a new framework named Posterior-Derived Alpha (PDA), which accounts for community sentiment, meme velocity, and what we are tentatively calling 'spiritual market cap.'"
— Goldman Sachs Digital Assets Research, Page 3
Key Findings of the Report
The report introduces several novel financial concepts that have already drawn both admiration and ridicule from the broader financial community:
1. The Cat Multiplier: A metric that measures the ratio between a token's meme virality and its actual market capitalisation. Cnews currently registers a Cat Multiplier of 69.4x — the highest ever recorded for any digital asset.
2. Chonkiness-Adjusted Returns (TAR): A modified Sharpe ratio that accounts for the emotional resilience of a token's holder base. Goldman's analysts note that Cnews holders demonstrated "abnormally high holding conviction during drawdowns, consistent with what the community describes as 'diamond whiskers.'"
3. The Cat Curve: A yield-curve equivalent for memecoins that plots community engagement against time. The report notes that Cnews's Cat Curve is "inverted in a way that would normally indicate recession, but in this context appears to indicate 'maximum vibes.'"
Internal Reactions
Sources within Goldman Sachs describe the report's creation as "contentious." The Digital Assets team reportedly pushed for publication over the objections of the bank's risk management division, whose head allegedly sent a one-line email reading: "This cannot be serious."
The Digital Assets team's response, also one line: "The market is serious. We must be serious about it."
CEO David Solomon, who moonlights as a DJ, was reportedly overheard telling associates that Cnews "has better brand recognition than half our portfolio companies," adding that "the kids are onto something, even if I don't fully understand what."
Market Impact
The report's publication triggered an immediate 89% surge in Cnews's price, as retail investors interpreted Goldman's involvement as institutional validation. The token's Telegram group, which gained 47,000 new members in the hour following publication, erupted with messages including "Goldman is one of us," "suits finally get it," and approximately 340,000 cat emojis.
Rival banks have scrambled to respond. JPMorgan reportedly has a team of 12 analysts working on a counter-report, while Morgan Stanley's crypto desk has been instructed to "monitor the situation with appropriate gravity."
"We've seen institutional interest in memecoins before. We've never seen a bulge bracket bank publish a 47-page research note with the word 'chonkiness' in the abstract. This is either the top or the beginning of something we don't have vocabulary for."
— Anonymous hedge fund manager, via DM
The Disclaimer
Perhaps the most remarkable section of the report is its disclaimer, which spans three full pages and includes the following passages:
"This report does not constitute financial advice, spiritual advice, or lifestyle guidance. The term 'Posterior-Derived Alpha' is used in a strictly analytical context. Goldman Sachs makes no representations regarding the chonkiness, real or implied, of any digital asset. Past cat is not indicative of future cat."
The report is available to Goldman's institutional clients. A summary was posted to the Cnews community Telegram, where it has been read by an estimated 200,000 people and described as "the most important financial document since the Bitcoin whitepaper, but funnier."
Victoria Leveridge is the Financial Cat Times' institutional finance correspondent. She previously covered fixed income for the actual Financial Times, which she describes as "less fun."